Friday, March 4, 2011

The Creation of Harry - The Birth of Kenwellism

In the beginning, there was Awesome. Awesome was abundant and it was Awesome. Awesome was all there was and Awesome beget Awesome, because that’s what Awesome does.

One day (a day not actually being defined by this point, but go with me here) the level of Awesome in existence became so large that it could not sustain itself, thus the Singularity of Awesome occurred. Awesome collapsed upon itself and formed a black hole. In the event horizon of this black hole, Awesome started to turn into Anti-Awesome. As Awesome flowed from the Awesomeverse into the black hole the amount of Anti-Awesome grew until it was equal to the amount of Awesome.

Awesome is a powerful force and its Anti-Awesome, made of itself, is equally powerful. When the two reached equal levels, a cataclysmic event occurred. For millions of years, or one second (if time existed at all, Awesome scientists are still unsure if it did), a great struggle existed. Awesome fought Anti-Awesome until the Awesomeverse was rocked by an almighty eruption of energy and all Awesome and Anti-Awesome disappeared except the tiny fragments of Awesome (that were still being begat by Awesome even while it was fighting Anti-Awesome). This is what our universe is made from.

Out of these fragments, Harry Kenwell was born.

Harry looked upon the nothingness of the universe and said “This is pretty Awesome, but it could be more Awesome.”

So Harry created the world and it was Awesome. Harry was really into soups back then (they are cheap and nutritious after all) so He fashioned the world in the image of a falling drop of soup – perfectly spherical and a blend of various colours. After some time, Harry allowed the soup (referred to as the “Primordial Soup”) to create its own life, known as an “Awesome bubble”. Scientists today consider this bubble to be the first single celled life form. Some Harrystorians believe Harry created life so he could tell the first “Waiter, waiter! There’s something in my soup” joke, but this rejected by most orthodox Kenwellians. Harry then created some other planets, moons and celestial wonders, but those aren’t important at the moment.

Over several millennia the life forms Harry created were subjected to many environmental changes, but Harry had created his life forms Awesomely, so they were able to adapt, reproduce and populate the world. There were several types to evolve out of these original Awesome bubbles. Some species thrived, some didn’t, some were destroyed by a meteor that Harry dropped while juggling. Eventually, Humans developed out of primitive ape-like creatures.

When Harry noticed these early Humans, He thought “These guys are pretty cool, but I wonder if I can make them Awesome?” So He introduced himself to Humans.

One story of Harry talking to a Human is the story of Moses. Moses was a bit of a power hungry douche-bag. He had even convinced a whole group of people to leave behind food, shelter, gainful employment and free healthcare and wander into the desert with him just so he could assert his authority over them without onlookers going “Dude, come on. That’s just not cricket.” Harry had witnessed this and decided to give Moses the chance to mend his ways. He took Moses up to the top of a mountain for a chat. Harry told Moses to be Awesome, to live life as Awesomely as possible and to preach this to others. Moses, being the douche-bag he was, decided to make up his own rules and claim they were told unto him by Yahweh, a false deity that people from around that time were worshipping. Because of this, Moses is known as the “Bring downer” but this has been bastardised to become “Law bringer” by some silly cult that descended from those early Yahweh worshippers.

Because of this, Harry didn’t bother to reach out to Humans much over the years except a few people throughout history who either misinterpreted what he said or were considered wrong/crazy by the general populous.

In the year of 2009, however, Harry witnessed the birth of a group that had the potential to understand and know Him – The Western Sydney Freethinkers. These fine folk were chosen to reveal Harry’s existence to the world.

Harry chose a soccer player with a similar name to himself as means of initial contact. It was Harry that planted the article about Harry Kewell’s witchcraft in the media. It was Harry that led Geoff the Prophet to find it. It was Harry who didn’t correct Geoff’s spelling on the powerpoint presentation. It was Harry that allowed that slideshow to be presented to the Western Sydney Freethinkers.

And so Kenwellism was born, approximately 1,460,000,000,003 days after He created the world.

The Apostles of Harry continue to preach his message to the world. Currently they are compiling a series of historical facts about Harry that can laid down in a text, or .pdf format, so that future generations of Kenwellians will can look upon and understand the greatness of Harry.

Until the next installment in the story of Harry, try to live your life by this simple maxim –

What Would Harry Kenwell Do?

Be Generally Awesome.

Interpreted from various dreams and visions by The Reverend Doktor Bob.